Tuesday, January 28, 2014

My 6 Days of Darkness!

The other day I acted, or rather did something I had never done before. I acted completely out of character.
Let me explain, I consider myself a pretty level headed person. I never say anything I don't mean, I never lose control, I never get so angry to the point that I lose common sense. I never get so upset that I make huge mistakes and then have to regret it later. In fact, I have never done what I did last week.

6 days! That's how long it took for me to get over behaving and feeling like a totally insane person. But you know what, it had to happen! I needed that to happen because it helped in clearing up certain things.

So you're probably wondering what the heck I'm talking about right? Well as much as I don't want to share, I feel I have to.

Ok, so since making this big life change of learning how to always be in a positive state of mind, and thinking positive and visualizing, and meditating, and learning, and listening, and reading about anything AND everything that can encourage me AND others, I CRASHED BIG TIME.

Everything in my life is perfect, everything expect my career! Which is funny because that is the one thing I put all of my law of attraction focus on.  What I want more than anything is for my career to just be. For me to wake up every morning and work my butt off just doing something that will make me happy, subsequently making others happy, therefore, making the world a better place. Is that so hard? 

I have recently had to accept a position doing a job I swore I would never do again. A job I swore killed my soul little by little. And this decision tore me up so badly that for 6 days I reacted so drastically that I did the following;

I threw away all my journals
I threw away a script
I unsubscribed to every single positive teacher I was following
I deleted all my social apps from my phone (Twitter, FB, Blog, Goodreads)
I decided to give up and not believe in anything
I decided to give up and not write ever again
I cried and felt sorry for myself for 6 days!

But then CLARITY!

Although it appeared as though something had died, it was the complete opposite, something came back to life. For a year and a half although I believed, followed, wrote about, and talked about this life change, a small part of me wondered if I truly was this new person I claimed to be. Was I really positive Pollyanna? Did I really believe what I was selling? And after my meltdown the answer is YES! 

Although I didn't admit it to anyone, at the time of my meltdown I was so afraid of losing the person I had become, that I could bare it no longer and I had to come up for air. I needed to read, write, or listen to something that inspired me. I wanted to inspire you. I don't want to give up. I want to keep going no matter how long it takes to fulfill my dreams. I rather have a life of dreaming, of hoping that some day it will happen for me than live a life of misery by haven given up on everything that makes me happy. AHHHH. I really do feel like I can breathe again. Some of you may think that giving up is easy, but I'm telling you that having that attitude was not only so hard, but also heart breaking. I felt afraid of losing the new person I had become, the new person I learned to love and admire. I was afraid of what would happen now that I let go of my dreams, who was I to become now? No, not worth it. I had to come back. I had to stay strong; it was/is the only way for me. Not only was I not willing to let go of this new person I had become, but I was not about to lay to rest my dream of working in the entertainment industry--which is what I've wanted since I was a little girl. 

I simply share this because I need to be honest with those who read my blog. I'm not perfect. I get scared, I doubt, and I fall, but most importantly I get up again. And that's what you must do too. Doubt, fall, cry, but never—never give up!

One more thing. I have to give a great big thanks to my hubby for not giving up on me through my 6 days of darkness. He kept reminding me of who I was and what I wanted and he vowed to never let me give up--no matter what I was saying on the outside!
Till next time!

No comments:

Post a Comment